If there are two things the world can collectively agree on, it’s that Pharrell holds the secret to eternal youth, and that the food that is the worst for you, tends to taste the best. While today’s post will not be focusing on Pharrell’s flawless face (although I do feel like his Arby’s hat may be involved) it will however delve into my adoration for greasy mammoth sized portions of food, and my desire to seek out the best America has to offer, and what better to model my coupling of cravings and wanderlust than that of the greatest show of all time, Man v Food.
If you aren’t familiar with Man v Food, you are probably someone smart enough to not have a TV in their home, or have been practicing the Paleo Diet for 10+ years. In short, Man v Food is a show featured on the Travel Channel, hosted by my pretend husband, Adam Richman.
Adam travels across the U.S. to various restaurants to compete in whatever food challenge they may host, whether it be eating the most of something within a time slot, or attempt to eat the spiciest feature on the menu. The results varied from episode, with either a victorious win, or a crushing defeat met with the subsequent visit to a nearby bush or toilet. I can see how anyone not entirely familiar with, or disgusted with American food culture could find this show to absurd, but I find it to be absolutely enthralling. That being said, I’d like to share some of the restaurants that were so fortunate to have been graced by Mr. Richman, that I would like to someday visit.
While MVF has featured several restaurants…
The few I have picked span across the country, and one even featured in my great home state of Texas!
- The Big Texan – Amarillo, TX
I’ve actually passed this place while en route to visit my sister, who was living in Las Vegas at the time, on the worst road trip of my life (parents+dog+diabetic cat+cramped van = the freshest of hells). I pled for my Dad to stop so we could go inside, but I’m sure between my cat pissing all over the backseat, and my the bland landscape of west Texas, he was more interested in just booking it to our destination. This restaurant is famous for it’s 72 oz steak. 72. SEV. EN. TY. TWO. OUNCES. Of beef. And according to Wikipedia:
The steak is free to anyone who, in one hour or less, can eat the entire meal, consisting of the steak itself, plus bread roll with butter, baked potato, ranch beans, shrimp cocktail, and salad; otherwise, the meal costs $72.00.
So basically, eating yourself into oblivion/death, can be absolutely free! Adam Richman finished the meal in 29 minutes. I’m pretty sure I would have only completed the baked potato and bread roll in that amount of time. While this challenge would ultimately result in a massive failure for me, I’m definitely open to splitting it with a few people (preferably my sister, I feel like together we could make this dream a reality).
- Lindy’s on 4th – Tucson, AZ
While this challenge was a fail for Richman, I feel like had this been presented to me after my half marathon, it would have been completed in a solid 15 minutes. Lindy’s website states:
If you finish it in 30 minutes or less, you have won your claim to fame! But you still have to pay for the burger. Finish it in 20 minutes or less, it’s on us! GOOD LUCK! (you’ll need it)!
So clearly, I would be a winner. The burger weighs in at nine pounds, with meat with cheddar and swiss, lettuce, tomato, onion & Lindy’s sauce, whatever that is. Either way, this burger looks delicious, and that cheese oh my GOD. I need this in my life, and I need it now.
- Mick and Angelo’s Eatery & Bar – Niagra Falls, Canada
For this one I’d have to make my way up to Canada for…italian food? Fine by me, because this looks like a GD delight. This challenge consists of:
Chicken parmesan, Italian sausage, a lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs, manicotti, a whole loaf of garlic bread, a fresh salad, canelloni with a cup of Italian wedding soup, and a apple crisp dessert.
Be still my heart. This is literally everything I love and more, but I can already tell you that this would result in a loss and the most intense nap of my life. However, I know for a fact that lasagna would be the first to go. I’d like to finish this meal and then promptly go to Niagra Falls and let the mist wash away my heart burn and intense stomach cramps. I’m not sure if the falls possess such powers, but I doubt any antacids could save me by that point.
Thanks for joining me on this MVF IWTGTT (seriously, this acronym)! Hopefully I didn’t make you too hungry, and for any of my health food enthusiasts, don’t fret, I promise you I’m still adhering to proper nutrition standards, but just know, whenever I eat a mixed vegetable medley, I will be dreaming of that nine pound burger.