I will be the first tell you that I normally do not give a flying you know what about sports. Despite growing up in Texas, I really don’t have an affinity for football (I’ll go on record to say I don’t hate it, but I don’t watch Friday Night Lights and think to myself “I relate to this.”), and I couldn’t explain the point system to almost any sport even if a million dollars was on the line (someone please tell me why golf goes into the negatives. Actually don’t. I don’t care). That being said, every four years I turn into a world’s biggest sports fan whenever the Olympics rolls around. Case in point, here’s a photo from my 18th birthday (circa 2008 Summer Olympics in China, so yeah if you do that math that makes 100 years old today) when I made everyone watch the Olympics with me:
I live for every sport. I get irrationally emotional during the swimming and gymnastics portions of the event, and I put my life on a complete hold for a full two weeks. This year’s games in Rio are no different. I am freakin’ in it to win it, y’all (what am I winning? Nothing, but a growing resentment from my boyfriend who is probably so sick of me talking about how proud I am of the US women’s gymnastics team). I’m sure a few of you have caught Olympic fever as well, so I compiled a list of the feelings you may be going through. Or not. It’s probably just me.
- You can’t remember the last time you watched scripted television.
- Despite having zero background in any of the sports, you often find yourself critiquing the athletes and advising them (via obnoxiously yelling at your TV) as to how they could do better.
- You have a rough idea as to what instrumental version of a song you would use for your gymnastics floor routine. (Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy” for me)
- Never in your life have you been more inspired to workout, but given that you refuse to miss a moment of coverage, you continue to lie on the couch surrounded by mostly empty pizza boxes.
- You begin scientific level research to find if exposure to chlorinated water is the secret to perfect skin, because wow is the swim team flawless.
- Beach volleyball has inspired you to purchase K tape, but your frustration with K tape application has caused you to throw the entire roll away and scream a slew of obscenities at Kerri Walsh Jennings.
- You’ve designed a drinking game out of how many sexist things a male commentator can say within a single event.
- No one needs to know that you easily bruise because of your low iron levels, just tell them you’re into cupping now!
- You’ve comprised your normal 9 pm grandma bed time just so you can watch Michael Phelps beat the begeezus out of everyone else.
- You’ve cried over performances from people you didn’t even know existed a week ago.
- But man if you aren’t the biggest Simone Biles fan right now.
- You’ve begun clapping your hands with baby powder before you start any task. As a result, your living space space smells hella fresh.
- Your Google search history yields a lot of results around the following “Is (athlete’s name) single?” (Is Chris Brooks though? Asking for a friend. The friend is me btw)
- The older you get, the harder for you it is hear about a high school aged kid getting a gold medal, when you just recently paid $10.00 for coins in Pokemon Go…at age 26.
- Realizing you’ll never have gymnast’s shoulders is a sensitive subject for you right now.
Which event are you currently geeking out over? Also, can we please discuss the Belgium women’s gymnastics team’s unitards? Did Lisa Frank design them? I have so many questions and zero time for answers because I have to get back to watching.
What is your favorite part of the Olympics?