Happy Friday folks! I saw Batman v Superman last night and I am so angry about it that I am skipping our normally scheduled Friday Finds to rant about it instead! I also didn’t have anything fun to share with you, so that also contributed to this post today. Sorry. You can direct any and all angry messages to Ben Affleck if you are so concerned. I’m sure his voicemail box is already full of appointment callbacks from Jennifer Garner booking laser back tattoo removals without his consent, but it’s worth a shot. While you’re busy looking up his number on the internet, let me preface this post with a few things.
- Much like Rachel Green from Friends, I have a favorite movie, and an actual favorite movie (if this reference is lost on you, I implore you to watch The One With The Embryos episode). If anyone asks, I’ll say Goodfellas. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely do love Goodfellas, but if we’re being real here my actual favorite would be The Dark Knight. You might be thinking, “But Mallory, that’s a flawless movie, why would you be ashamed to give that as your answer?” to which I would say “You’re right, concerned reader, it is a flawless movie, but normally if you tell someone your favorite movie is a Batman movie, sometimes that is followed by comic book questions, of which I have never read!” Also, let me like a comic book movie without having read the comics! It’s 2016, we should be more progressive by now.
- Ben Affleck may or may not have been a garbage husband to Jennifer Garner, who’s to say (well, probably Jennifer Garner)? But for reasons I cannot explain, I always find myself rooting for the guy. Back in middle school I was really into watching Dinner for Five and those celebrity poker tournaments on Bravo, of which Affleck frequented both, and I just grew to love the idiot. I’m sorry!
Now that we have that out of the way, note that I tried not to let those two things affect my viewing of Batman v Superman. I went into the film abandoning my love for the Christopher Nolan adaption, and I was ready to see what my gambling champ middle school boyfriend Affleck had to offer, and well…it wasn’t a whole lot. As someone who has zero comic book knowledge, I’ll say that I’m not sure if they strayed from the original story line, or if there were any character adaptation errors, but as someone who just straight up loves movies, I will say that is was a nearly three hour laborious attempt to prove everyone wrong, only to look laughably ridiculous, much like your 7th grade attempt to let your family know that you’re “punk” now and this isn’t just a phase (spoiler alert: it’s just a phase). Every fight scene was 10 minutes too long (oh yeah, the fights are over ten minutes), and I won’t spoil it for you, but there’s a moment where Batman and Superman reach an “agreement” (gotta be vague here) for probably the most absurd reason. So much so, that had I not been worried about getting kicked out of the theater, I would have stood up and been like
Someone please go see this movie so we can talk about the moment I’m referring to, because it is painfully cringe worthy. It’s taking everything in me not to spoil it so I can just rip to shreds, so I’m just going to have sit here stewing in anger and rant about something else. Ugh, moving on.
From what I do know about Superman, he is often emotionally void and deaf to the repercussions of his actions, but Henry Cavill’s approach to role could almost be summed up with a impression of “Huh? What? Oh, uh sorry.” In his defense, I think Henry Cavill may actually be like that in real life, so he may have just brought in personal experience to the role. Oh, and Wonder Woman was there, but she had roughly 5-7 lines so I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to feel about her other than that I think she may be Taylor Swift in a brunette wig.
Now for my boy, Ben. Oh, Ben. As someone, maybe the only one, who saw and found you pretty charming in the rom-com for the ages, Jersey Girl, I figured you were going to give this movie everything you had. There is some dark matter in you. I know it, because you directed Gone Baby Gone and that movie messed. Me. Up. However, you’ve taken on Batman, one of the darkest characters of all time (!!!), and you just seemed…tired. Maybe you were actually tired. This role seemed pretty physically demanding, and you’re no spring chicken any more, but you just (I’m sorry this post took a turn where I am addressing Ben Affleck personally by the way) didn’t seem up for it. Look, if you took this to impress your kids. I get it. You need to score all the points you can get right now, but I was getting a lot of “I’m just here so I won’t get fined” vibes from you, and I’m not sure what the deal is. I’m hoping you’ll have it worked out before you show up for Justice League. Be the hero Gotham deserves. Be the hero Matt Damn deserves. God, be the hero I deserve!
All in all, y’all, this movie was a start to finish mess. On a positive note, Amy Adams was there and she was delightful as always, but sadly it wasn’t enough to save the movie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch The Dark Knight and pretend that all of this was a weird fever dream.